Universiti Malaysia Pahang | 24 November 2019

Rasa macam dewasa lah post macam ni

Kompleks Sukan, UTeM, Melaka | 27 April 2018

Assalamualaikum!
Is it too late to wish Happy Fasting to everyone? Hehehe selamat berpuasa semua!! May our Ramadhan this year is filled with barakah and may we all get to use this chance to strengthen our iman and stay istiqamah to do the ibadah. Amiin!!

       I've been wanting to write on this topic for quite a few times, but my laziness got in between so,,,, yeah hahaha. What makes me want to write on this topic again is because recently UPU result for SPM leavers came out, and I've been seeing tweets regarding the results they get- which, reminds me of this repetitive story on how I ended up taking Diploma in ICT in UTeM.

       I told this story to basically everyone close to me. This course is my 11th choice out of 12 given. Itu pun, aku actually letak ICT ni sebab ni macam course yang aku boleh bawak kot compared to science-related course like engineering, etc although I was a science stream student. My original ambition was to be an English teacher as I love the subject and my sister is an English teacher too so watching her kinda inspire me. But then last minute suddenly I nak jadi cikgu tadika. I pun tak tahu kenapa 😂 So basically, I was contemplating between those two lah. So my UPU application focused on those two, and selebihnya yang nak isi ruang-ruang kosong tu, I filled in with ICT-related course. Oh, ada jugak selit course masscomm for fun, went to the interview but I didn't do well so I didn't put my hope high. Although I am very interested to pursue in masscomm just because the campus is in Melaka.

       Even with no high hope, I did think of the possibility of me passing that interview kan so I sukalah kalau dapat belajar dekat Melaka sebab I lived in Johor, born there, grow up there, until I was 14 before I moved to Kuantan. My point is, while I'm in Johor, my family always go to Melaka so I thought that it would be nostalgic to go back to Melaka to study. Long story short, when the UPU result came out, I was so confused because I don't even remember applying for Diploma in ICT?!?!?! And then it hits me, "Oh, ni course aku letak nak isi tempat kosong tu,". But I think I am not as disappointed considering the fact that being a teacher is the only profession I ever dreamed of when I was 15-17 years old. I'm more 'okay' than I thought with what I get. Turns out there's a lot of my classmate who didn't even get any offer for UPU so I'm even more thankful to get one. Although I have no idea where this course will take me in the future, I'm happy with the fact that it's in Melaka!

       3 years of diploma, it wasn't my best performance I would say. I think I can do better if I try harder, but, it was bearable and survivable, thanks to my family and friends. And along the way of learning a course I truly had no pure intention of getting accepted, along the way of learning the "fill-in-the-UPU-blank" course, I found what I truly want to do for life.

       I've always known this- I am a bad teacher. I can't express what I understand in a way that can help others to understand. Even in high school, I'm not the kind of student that you can refer to or ask questions because I honestly, don't know. I think I understand, but I'm always not sure enough to teach others. But by studying before exam, I ended up scoring my exam fairly well. I am aware at the fact that I can't teach for anyone's sake, but I was in denial. Because at that time I only see 'teacher' as my ambition. My world at that time was so so small, so I was stuck there. And somehow, I also realize that I'm bad with kids. I, honestly, only like kind kids hahaha. I don't like the annoying ones. I'm quite hot-tempered too. So, along the 3 years of learning this leftover course, along the 3 years of finding what I think I have passion in, I realize that I am truly not made for my previous ambitions.

        Now, here is where the dependence part comes on. That was a looong intro, right? Hahahaha. So as I've mention a looot of time in my previous post, I decided to take a break after diploma and apply for UPU instead for degree. It's a lie if I say I don't feel anything seeing my friends and batchmates pursuing for their degree already. Okay, a little promo for my boys, there's 2 songs that give me a lot of strength- My Pace and Grow Up by Stray Kids. Do check them out on Youtube hehehehe. Check the lyrics, it fits well with my concern so I really relate a lot to it. Moving on, I filled in the UPU application with what I want to pursue, all of them are ICT-related. 18 years-old me would be shook if she know this hahahaha. I do stress and think a lot in choosing the option but this time I'm more concerned on the location instead. Either close to home or close to my other friends 😂 I prioritize home though because I only have one option for that. Anyways, after sending the application, I feel at ease. I don't have an exact wish on my UPU result, I just hope I get one, anywhere, I don't feel like it matters anymore.

Because I've seen it- I've seen how God gives me the 11th choice out of 12 that I had, and that choice ended up making me discover myself. Makes me realizes that what you want doesn't necessarily be the best for you, and what you don't want doesn't necessarily mean it's bad for you. I've seen how God gives me what the best for me, so this time, too, I'll depend on Him. I know, He knows the best.

       The dependence leads to the sense of security. Even if didn't get my first choice or any choice at all, I know, I'm sure, I believe, I will find the hikmah sooner or later. Cliche, but there's always a reason behind why something happen. I'm not saying I'm always happy during my 3 years of diploma. I had my fair share of breakdowns too, especially the last two semesters. So what I mean by the best is not the-always-sunshine-and-rainbow kind of best, it's the I-went-through-a-lot-and-from-it-I-also-learnt-a-lot kind of best. So, whatever you're going through in life, believe me, you will be thankful of it, sooner or later.

So that's all I guess. Assalamualaikum 😊

“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.” (QS. Al Baqarah: 216)

Pangsapuri Sri Utama, MITC, Melaka | 5 Januari 2019

Assalamualaikum!
First post for 2019! Finally, after such a long time I am contemplating on what to post, put a few unfinished ones to draft, akhirnya, macam biasalah, yang tak plan tu jugaklah yang bergerak.

       2019. How young are you guys this year? I'm 21 this year. Wow dah lebih dua dekad hidup hahaha. Alhamdulillah. To be honest, since I become a university student, new years no longer give this special feeling I always feel when I was in school. Mostly because every year end and new year beginning is final exam season. So, tengah sibuk-sibuk nak exam tu anda rasa saya ada masa nak sambut tahun baru? Oh, which reminds me that when the clock strikes 00:00 on the 1st January 2019, my friends and I tengah dalam kereta nak drive thru McD hahaha. Our 2019's first meal 😂 And tengok bunga api dari dalam kereta je, ada la orang dekat dataran(?) dekat-dekat MITC tu pasang bunga api. Lepastu balik rumah macam tak ada apa-apa berlaku. Teruskan kehidupan makan tengah malam macam biasa.

       Azam pun, dah lama dah takde. Dah tahu dah bukan tercapai pun hahaha lagi-lagi azam nak kurangkan mencarut 😂 But this year, since dah umur doplohsatu kan, kenalah matang sikit. So I listed myself a few new year resolution and target.

Dan Zahidah masih lagi dengan bahasa rojaknya. Korang sabar je lah eh?

Assalamualaikum and Hi!
It's been a while on here, and I MISS BLOGGING SO MUCH! Acah je hahahaha. Rasa macam sem ni tak se-hectic sem lepas, a few subjek habis kelas awal, tapi macam tak pernah ada masa nak betul-betul duduk and blogging. Rasanya sebab sem ni semua benda lebih tersusun, macam sem-sem lepas, tengah-tengah sem tak busy, tapi minggu 13-14 tu busy nak mamp0s. Meanwhile sem ni by week 13 almost every quiz, labtest dah settle, tinggal ada satu subjek je kot camtu tak settle. Tak kisahlah semua tu kan, yang penting sem ni aku banyak gila tidur hahahaha.

       Masa untuk ayat cliche, sedar tak sedar,pejam celik pejam celik, dah nak masuk 2018. Seriously, kalau tanya aku sekali imbas apa aku dah buat tahun ni, aku pun tak tahulah. Oleh itu (cewah), dengan adanya entry ni, aku nak imbas berkali-kali apa yang aku buat tahun ni.

       First of all, 2017 has been such a hell of roller coaster ride, and I'm not even kidding. 2017 is definitely a year to remember as it has re-shape me as a person. It has also been a year of lessons. I do learn lots of lesson and it does affect me which something that I'm glad because it means aku dah realize lah kan apa salah silap aku, and in a way I'm trying my best to improve as a person. So, this year... Hmmm, got my heart broken (for the first time evah), and then broke someone's heart(lol), and currently signing up myself for another heartbreak hahaha. Tak serik tu, tapi I've been more careful this time, and lesson learnt- do not put your hope too high on anything, and anyone. Ni ayat berkias. Ayat direct straight to the point nya KO JANGAN CAYE LAKI SWEET TALKER NI YE YE PANGGIL SAYANG LAYAN BAIK TAPI LAST LAST HARAPAN PALSU KO BOLEH GI TERJUN TASIK UTeM!!

Hahahahaha gurau je.

       This year, I've lost a very dear friend of mine, arwah Wahida, and a very close uncle, arwah Pakndak. It hits me real hard, to be honest, especially arwah Wahida. Seminggu lepas pemergian dia pun I still cry at night. I can't believe I'm already at the age of losing a friend of the same age, and I just can't believe she's... not here anymore. Masa tu aku tengah cuti sem, tak sempat nak tengok muka dia for the last time, tapi Alhamdulillah dapat hantar dia till the very last moment. She's such a nice friend, sumpah. I've said this on twitter, tapi aku selalu kacau dia, tenung je dia sampai dia sorok muka guna literally everything dia boleh capai, pastu dia je kata muka aku macam Song Jihyo ahahahahahahahahahahhaha hmm, lepas tu dia selalu seronok kalau Shida tak datang so dia boleh duduk sebelah aku. And a lot more memories that I don't even realize we actually shared quite a lot together. But she's in a better place now, no more pain for her and it does make me feel better at that thought. Kita pun entah bila tiba masanya kan? Al Fatihah, Nurul Wahida binti Zainal.

      Arwah Pakndak pulak, God, he's really a good guy. Which is probably why Allah takes them first. Pakcik yang paling rapat belah ayah aku, dia la yang memang rapat sangat since kecik lagi. Dia panggil aku 'beliau' sebab siapa baca majalah Ujang dia tahu lah ada sekor lembu ni dipanggil 'beliau' so he basically calls me a cow hahahaha. Lepastu dia berniaga burger dekat pasar malam, jual RM1 je. AND coconut shake dia sedap gilaaaaa!! Kalah Melaka punya Klebang ke, Batu Berendam ke, nothing can top his coconut shake! Dah lama tak rasa, dah bertahun dah. And dah takkan dapat rasa dah lepasni :')  AND NASI BERIANI DIA TERBAIK WA CAKAP LU. Lapar pulak hmm. Oh and selain tu sejak aku belajar dekat Melaka dia selalu la asal jumpa aku je sebut "merecik hawau" hahahaha. Hmm, rindu sangat. Sangat. Minta jasa baik korang doakan untuk 3 orang anak dan balu arwah, doakan mereka dipermudahkan urusan dan dimurahkan rezeki ya. Terima kasih sangat-sangat. Al Fatihah, Mokhtar bin Abd Majid.

      On the other note, I'm also proud of myself on quite a few things I did this year. First of all, ok ingat tak heartbreak tu sorry la asyik mention je, IT WAS MY FIRST HEARTBREAK uwu poor my weak heart. Okay actually la I break my own heart even before it gets broken hahahaha. Sebelum orang tinggalkan aku baik aku yang tinggalkan dia supaya ada lagi secebis maruah seorang Zahidah yang egois yang berjaya diselamatkan. Of course la after I noticed the other side cam hmmm tak ada effort pun, maka kita kena sedar diri ya anak-anak. Orang tak nak takpe, takyah terhegeh-hegeh! Walaupun dia cam perfect, I like everything about him huhu. BUT! Remember this, S-E-L-F W-O-R-T-H. He, or she might worth it, but darling YOU WORTH MORE. Ingat tu.

So I left him la and he comes back cari me after some time la and I tunjuk tak berminat la boleh bla la.

And he stop chasing la I sedih jugak la tapi takpe la maybe wrong time la ada jodoh ada la.

       So untuk mengubati hati yang lara ini aku start belajar handlettering, here's the entry if you wanna read 👉 clickbait . It does help me to change my focus, instead of 24/7 wondering whyyyyyyyy my (almost) relationship didn't work out whyyyyy tak lawa ke aku ni tak cukup kelakar ke aku ni, I start to wonder WHY AM I SO TALENTLESS SMH FML. Tapi lepastu jangan down pulak, usaha lagi to make yourself better! Lepastu hmm cara aku berfikir pun dah berubah jugaklah somehow, dah jadi makin positif, mungkin berkat selalu cari positive quotes untuk di-handletter-kan hahaha. Since I'm not the one who reti nak make up, nak berfesyen tu minat je tapi duit takde, so aku macam takde passion on anything. So macam nak release stress dengan shopping pun, tak tahu nak shopping apa. Tapi sejak berjinak (sumpah aku tertypo berjimak tadi astaghfirullah!!) dengan handlettering ni, rasa seronok walaupun masuk Mydin tengok section watercolour. Walaupun dah ada, tak beli pun, tapi rasa macam satu kepuasan and happy tengok benda-benda tu semua. Ala korang faham kan maksud aku? Ke tak faham? Buat-buat la faham okay sapot lokal #tetiba.

       AND!!! Pencapaian yang boleh kata terbesar aku tahun ini ialah jeng jeng jeng, I SUCCESSFULLY DID BULLET JOURNALING! It's my first time, and sumpah dari January sampai May, bujo aku noob gila hahahaha. Strating from June onwards barulah boleh dikatakan membanggakan lah bujo aku tu hahaha. Best tau buat bullet journal, ni pun antara benda yang distract aku daripada heartbreak. It's one of the way I release my stress too, walaupun kalau nak ikutkan stress apalah sangat aku ni belajar pun main-main hahahaha. It's the charm of doing something you love, I guess. Penat mana pun kalau buat benda yang kita suka daripada nak tidur tak jadi tidur. I'm happy because I finally found something that makes me happy. Nanti, tak tahu lah bila, but nanti, I might do an entry on how to bujo, but in a cheap way, for a cheapskate. (vocab credit from Amelynn lol).

Okay so what I benefit from bujo-ing this whole year is first, release stress. Second, rasa cam ada life hahaha. Third, you can write down memorable things you did! I mean, yeah of course you have blog and all tapi alaa blog takes too much time, for me la. Seronok tauuu bila kawan kau cam throwback balik something yang korang buat sama-sama and kau actually boleh selak balik kau punya bujo and have the exact date when it happened. Kena cuba rasa that feeling- sooooo satisfying rasa cam oh tersusunnya hidup ini hahaha. Forthly, lebih organized. I wrote down my to-do list, checked apa yang dah buat apa yang belum, apa yang nak beli, harga dia berapa lepas survey dekat situ, sini, then compare. Fifth, satisfying- sebab kau boleh decorate each page tu dengan apa theme kau suka. Nak theme pastel ke black & white ke nak theme Go Green pun boleh. Best laaaaaaa faham kan best? Hahahaha.

 And in my opinion bujo does help to improve my mental health, sebab it kind of like a diary for me sebab instead of planning, aku lebih kepada jot down apa aku dah buat, apa aku rasa. Macam, kalau kau bengang dengan someone ke kau tulis je dalam bujo tu. Nak certa dekat orang aku faham sekarang ni banyak backstabber, ramai tak boleh dipercayai and so on, so daripada kau simpan, baik kau luahkan dekat bujo kau. Tak kisah la nak buat bentuk point ke peta minda ke essay ke, as long as you let things go. Also helps you daripada simpan dendam. And kalau perempuan kan katakan la that day pakwe kau main game sampai tak layan kau, haa tulis dalam bujo nanti 10 tahun akan datang kau ungkit. "You ingat tak dulu 15 May 2017 you tak reply whatsapp I 3 jam sebab main game?" Kalau dia tanya mana bukti, haa kau ada bukti. Pastu suruh dia belanja makan okay hahahaha. Berguna tak berguna bujo ni? 😂

        So, basically, that was my 2017. It was about how I break, and how I found myself again- but a better version. Doesn't matter how many new things you tried, how many new people you meet, how many times you cried, even with the tiniest thing changed about you, as long as it makes you a better you, then it's alright. Your progress might be different from others', your way of fixing the broken you may be different from me, but as long as you're healed, you're happy with yourself, then you should be proud. Don't be too hard on yourself, take your time, don't mind your pace but what matters is you keep moving forward. And yang paling penting, REALIZE YOUR SELF WORTH PLEASE tu je mami mintak 😭

        Let's hope for a delightful 2018. Even if it'll be hard, let's have strength to overcome every obstacle!!! Happy new year everyone, thank you for reading my 'ugh' blog, yang bahasa rojak melayu english rempitz ni hahaha. Thank you for everything! Comments dari korang semua warga blogger pun banyak buat aku happy, serius. Cayunk u guys so much 💓

Hopefully 2018 Zahidah dah boleh la tinggalkan bahasa rempitz hahaha.

Thank you 2017, you'll be remembered :')

Bye, Assalamualaikum 😊

And I'm 20 next year like seriously??!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!

Assalamualaikum :)
Waktu Malaysia 01:54 a.m, lampu bilik off, ruang tamu off, semua dalam rumah ni dah tidur (kecuali kucing sekalian), kipas bukak nombor 4, battery 59%, and aku sekarang nak membebel.

Pernah tak bila kawan korang post something sedih-sedih, touching, sentap level terox lagi dari tarbiah sentap, pasal friendship, and korang terasa?

Kalau tak terasa maknanya korang tak anggap dia kawan la tu.

Ini nak kata random, tak jugak. Memang ada yang triggering sampai rasa nak post entry. Sebab dah banyak kali kena kot and dah banyak kali pejam mata buat tak nampak. Bila kawan update macam tu, tbh, tak marah, sedih je. Hawauhawau.

         Aku tak tahu nak mula dari mana. hmm. Ok lah, firstly, sebagai kawan, aku mintak maaf kalau ada yang kurang. Mintak maaf kalau ada masa terlepas pandang or pandang tapi buat-buat tak pandang bila korang ada masalah. Mungkin sebab aku ingat semua orang macam aku? Aku tak suka share problem dengan orang. Aku rasa macam....... eh tak suka lah. Hahaha. sebab aku ni ego tinggi orangnya jadi aku tak suka orang rasa kesian dekat aku. Lagipun aku ni jenis sekejap je marah, kejap je sedih pe semua ni. Tak semua orang macam aku kot? Haha ampun maaf ya. Kalau orang tanya aku kenapa pun aku payah nak jawab. Eh, kenapa cerita pasal aku pulak ni?

Jadi, pada aku, aku tak buat something yang aku rasa aku tak suka kalau orang buat kat aku. Haa camtu. Kalau orang paksa aku cerita ke, tanya banyak-banyak kali, aku rimas. Aku taknak orang lain rasa macam tu bila aku buat benda yang sama. Jauh dalam hati aku risau. kalau aku tak tanya direct dekat tuan punya badan aku tanya dekat orang yang mungkin tahu. Cuma, ye lah, manusia kan. Kadang-kadang tu ada jugak rasa malas nak kisah.

          Secondly, dalam pada kita rasa 'takde orang kisah pasal aku' ni, berapa banyak effort kita pulak untuk share apa kita rasa? Kalau kita sendiri sorok perasaan sebenar kita, sedih ke, marah ke, terasa ke, celah mana yang kita boleh expect orang lain nak tahu? Friends are no superheroes or pakar psikologi lah. Takde super power yang boleh analisis disebalik emoji sengih gelak menari tu sebenarnya tuan punya diri tengah sedih menangis terduduk tepi bucu katil.

Bila bab macam ni, aku rasa dah masalah kau sendiri, sejauh mana kau percaya, yakin dengan keikhlasan kawan-kawan kau. Kalau rasa you need someone, bagitahu. Jangan pernah rasa, "eh diorang nak tolong ke kalau aku bagitahu?" , "bagitahu pun kang dapat bluetick je", "bagitahu kang ingat main-main pulak". Tak, kalau kau betul rasa dia kawan kau, dan kau percaya dia pun anggap kau kawan dia, kawan tu akan automatically jadi orang yang kau cari waktu susah senang. Bukan pendam sorang-sorang. Kalau macam tu, apa makna kawan pada kau? Macam mana kau fikir diorang cuma ada waktu kau senang, macam tu lah jugak kau sebenarnya hanya cari diorang bila kau senang .

          Lastly, sebanyak mana kau betul-betul ada masa kawan kau susah? Yakin ke masa susah yang kau ada dengan kawan kau tu, dah betul-betul masa susah dia? Entah-entah, dia pun ada masalah lagi besar dia sorok? Kau pernah tanya? Pernah ambik tahu tak?

Friendship ni macam relationship jugak. Effort kena ada.

Everything requires effort, and bak kata quote fav kawan aku, "efforts will never betray you".

         Aku pun tak sempurna sebagai kawan. Aku ni lagi lah, kadang-kadang kawan aku bercerita pun aku tak kenal sape diorang cakapkan tu. Punyalah tak ambik tahu. Hahaha. Disebabkan tu, aku pun tak expect lah diorang ambik tahu pasal aku. Kalau aku ambik tahu sekali pun, aku tak expect jugak diorang ambik tahu sebab expectations will lead to dissapointment. Haa, mungkin sebab jadi rasa macam 'tak ada orang kisah' ni sebab expectation tinggi sangat kot?

Mintak maaf la kalau ada yg terasa jugak tapi aku taip ni pun sambil reflect pada diri aku sendiri. Jujur cakap aku pun jarang tanya pasal problem kawan aku sebab aku ni tak reti nak comfort orang. Huhuhuhu. Buat lawak bodoh dengan pickup line aku reti la hahahaha.

Apapepun, aku nak tido 😂
Bye, Assalamualaikum.

I'm always here. 

Dengan ini saya mengesahkan bahawa saya pun terkena Song Joongki syndrome uhuk uhuk